I have found that when I do not feel comfortable in a situation I do not act like me. I have found that my move right after college has made me feel like the same little girl who was afraid of being made fun of or ostracized for being herself.
It took me a while to become okay with myself. It wasn’t till late in my high school career that I finally started to let go. I think of the saying those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.
I think about all of my family and friends back in Texas who don’t care if I am a little dorky. Those who I feel comfortable to laugh in front of, really laugh. The people who I want to share my ideas with. The ones that when I find a new movie, lipstick, or drink, I want to share it with.
Before I moved away I could never really understand why people stayed so close to home. Why they didn’t adventure out and move more than 10 miles away from where they grew up. But now I guess I can understand it.
Acceptance and actually feeling accepted is a wonderful thing. Right now I feel a lack of that. It’s not because the new friends and the family I haven’t been around very much isn’t welcoming. Its more that they don’t know me.
I’m not sure if I want to move back home or to another city. I’m not sure what kind of job I want next. I’m not sure if I try to living abroad again or stay states side.
I’m not really sure what I want. I’m not even sure if I want anyone to ever read this ramble that is coming out of my head right now.
But what I do know, is that I cannot stay where I am and be okay with where I am at. I need to keep going and keep trying. I need to keep trying to be myself.
Interanlly I need to accept that being myself, no matter the situation, is better than being what I think others want me to be.