Stupid Deep

Song Lyrics are by Jon Bellion, the rest actually came from my head.

What if who I hoped to be was always me?
And the love I fought to feel was always free?

Maybe sometimes I close my eyes and picture how happy it all would have been

What if all the things I’ve done, yeah
Were just attempts at earning love? Yeah
‘Cause the hole inside my heart is stupid deep, stupid deep

Every time I was excited to tell you something work was more important. When I call her on the phone and she’s crying I regret the distance you helped create. How would you feel to know that every time you held things over my head, threatening to take it all away if I didn’t do it exactly how you wanted I only did it because I thought it meant you would love me again. The damage sits on your skin and now it sits on mine

What if where I’ve tried to go was always here?
And the path I’ve tried to cut was always clear?

I didn’t stop eating to be thin, I stopped eating because I was hurting.

Why has life become a plan, yeah To put some money in my hand?
When the love I really need is stupid cheap, stupid cheap

I was just a child and you told me to find a simpler career path. Congrats you contributed to the pain, pain I feel to express myself outside the pretty little box you built all our worlds into. Every comparison made me forget that it was okay to be my own person. When I see your face I find it hard to forgive, at one point I hated you so much I wrote you a letter I never sent. Adults don’t seem to understand, or maybe they just don’t care about the affect they have on impressionable children

What if who I hoped to be was always me?
And the love I fought to feel was always free?

Maybe I’m angry that you took my choice away, maybe I’m angry that your parent took that same choice from you, maybe I forget that I understand sometimes.

What if all the things I’ve done
Were just attempts at earning love? Yeah
‘Cause the hole inside my heart is stupid deep, oh, stupid deep

I remember sitting in the car being told it was okay as you slammed your fist into the wall, young eyes upon irrational anger. When I see you there I resent the years you took away from them.

What if who I hoped to be was always me?
And the love I fought to feel was always free?

When you told me you are struggling with suicide I couldn’t breath.

What if all the things I’ve done (What if all the things I’ve done) Were just attempts at earning love?
Though the hole inside my heart is stupid deep, oh, stupid deep

When you said “I never loved” it cut deep into my soul. You told me lies and made me hate her, for that I find myself untrusting. I often struggle with the concept of love. How can you say the words and then turn around and say spiteful words, words that dig into my ears and bury into my brain seeping down deep into my subconscious.

Deep

But I work to forgive all of you everyday. I allow myself to forgive because I don’t want to be angry. I want to feel happy, I want to believe that love is real. I want to believe that the hole that was dug into my heart has a bottom. A place to start the repairs. I want to believe that love is not earned it is given unconditionally. 


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