I’ve written about grief before and how it reminds me of an emotional roller coaster, but I have never experienced it in this way before. Everyone else that I have known that has passed away was either sick, elderly, or I was not as close to them as I was to K.
Every time I have watched someone experience grief I was never sure how to be around them. I feel that I have trouble being around people outside my bubble now. For the most part everyone has been sweet and checking in on me. Yet I have no idea how to talk to anyone about it.
It’s hard to describe how much I have changed in just a short amount of time. Everyone outside my bubble seems to think I am the same person as I was before, if only just a little sadder. I know it’s unfair of me to expect the rest of the world to have changed as much as I have and catch up to where I am now. Or to even understand who I am in this new world I was thrust into. But I so desperately want to understand.
I want to understand why? How? What are the events that led up to everything and how did I play my part.
How could I have seen her barely two hours before her death?
It makes me angry that the world kept going and she had to stop. I feel devastated that the next Wednesday I show up for the noon class she won’t be there full of energy trying and more importantly succeeding to yell from her diaphragm. Never again will we hear K yell sweating for the wedding and have A turn to look at me say I’m eloping as I laugh it off knowing on her wedding day that K was an important part of why she look so gorgeous in the dress.
The next time we all go out for Tejano night a seat will hang in the air feeling so empty. Hearing K tell me her passion for cooking shows and food leaves a hole in my stomach I’m not sure how to fill. The next time I go through a heartbreak, as I am now, I won’t have K tagging me in Instagram quotes and getting texts. Telling me I have a good heart, I’m a sweet pea, I’m a kind person, I am strong, to keep my head held high. Both of us being rays of sunshine.
I’m glad we all got that final night together. I’m glad B made us take a picture. I’m glad we all looked so happy. I’m glad I got to call you my friend and have your light fill my life. I regret and feel so guilty for things that happened. I wish I could just talk to you.
I regret the distance I felt, you probably felt too, for reasons we both know. I regret that something so dumb made me hesitant to ask if you were okay that night. I regret that I didn’t hug you as I left, all I said was bye with a halfhearted wave. Thinking I’ll talk to you later.
It’s a very deep hole to play the what if game. I’m trying not sink into it. Our friendship blossomed in a way neither of us ever had with anyone else.
Tragedy struck at the most unlikely of time and the whole world feels off. I have started to see things through new eyes, like the first time I put on glasses.
Something so tragic and untimely happens that it really puts the whole world into perspective. I get on social media and all the happiness feels unreal. All the petty drama and angry people seem so silly. The political nonsense makes me want to punch both sides alike. I lost a friend. And the world outside my head keeps turning. But nothing in front of me makes any sense. I see the news articles, I know the studio was closed for two days, I hear the words coming out of everyone’s mouth and yet it all feels so unreal and overwhelimingly real at the same time.
I wonder if I will ever wake up and understand. A part of me knows that I never will and I think that is the point. Life altering events are meant to alter your life. Maybe they are meant to shape you in a way that was needed. Maybe they are meant to show you a new life path to take. Maybe they are meant to help you get your head on straight. Maybe they are meant to prepare you to handle some unknown future thing. Maybe we aren’t supposed to know the ‘why’ and ‘how’ of everything. Maybe that’s the hardest part.
Maybe grief is a part of me now and always will be.
So please if you take one thing away from this, live your life with sunshine. Bring love not hate into others lives and learn to be happy. Tell those you love how much they mean to you. Spend time with them. Do the things that make you happy. Take risks even if they don’t pay off you tried and lived. Most importantly remeber to Keep Going.